timshel

Today marks the beginning of my new consistent blogging habits. I want to document the beautiful things I see and I want to create things more often. I can do anything I want, practical or not. I can take a ceramics class. I can go to design school for a year. I can make use of my lonely boxes of paint and glitter and spill my heart out in an art journal. These are all small things, but they serve as an outlet and fill me with life. And what has been holding me back? The future. It sounds silly. The question, "how will any of this matter?" never goes away...

Lately, everything feels brand new. It's as though I had been living under water until now, knowing there was something above the surface but accepting that it was not for me (pretend i am the Little Mermaid). Suddenly, I have legs and I can finally open my eyes to the great world out there. I've embraced the depths of the sea quite fully. I have considered depth to be reality and shallow water to be meaningless. The deeper under water, the better, even if my heart was continually aching. But I have been learning that freedom is out on the land. Here, I can breathe... I can meet people I would have never met before. It is limitless and refreshing, perhaps less complex and mysterious than the ocean. On land, there is nowhere to hide and vulnerability is unavoidable. Heartache still exists, but it is not the center.



One thing I know is that uncertainty never goes away. I don't like this, but it is okay. And why not do what seems exciting and meaningful right now? I don't know what this looks like for me. Currently, I think it has something to do with friends and letter-writing and crafts. We'll see :)

Impossible Soul

this twenty five minute song rocked my world.

Sufjan Stevens in Portland, OR Oct. 29th

so happy i was able to be here.

beautiful ray lamontagne

last friday went something like this:

here:

with my bff Sara. followed by yogurtland :)

nothing can top that. at least not until I see Sufjan.

i love gualala.

last week, my mom and I stayed at the Moonstar House near Gualala. I had a terrible cold but it was an ideal place to be lazy. Gualala has always been my favorite place in the entire world. it's more beautiful than I can explain.

summer, as of late

the theme of my summer is officially "road trips." i'll tell you about them in pictures.

weellll. first, i drove up to Garberville by myself. it was a beautiful drive, more than i expected it to be. i met up with my aunt and my mom, and we found ourselves at this natural medicine festival. people were selling flowers and explaining the evils of wheat. so great.

the next day, my aunt and i explored caves!!

then we drove to Portland and stayed with Ramman and Laney for a few nights. we also got to see my grandpa on father's day, so that was special.

we walked around the japanese tea gardens and rose gardens for a while. these flowers were voted "most fragrant." they could win me over any day, really.

Ramman and Laney also had this kitty, Toro. he was a beast, doing all sorts of acrobat moves and what not.

next, we headed up to Newport, Washington where my aunt Karen lives in this tiny cottage.

it's the most quiet, peaceful place in the world. i enjoyed a lot of chai mate' and read with Shelby, the large yoga cat.

i also found out how granola my mom's side of the family really is. they don't eat gluten or dairy or meat, and they practice chinese meditations literally for hours a day. for a second, i felt like such a square-bear about my lifestyle, where i live, and what i am studying. but that passed quickly. i guess i just admire the fam.

this blog is going to go on forever! i should have been more consistent.

so, a week after that trip, i went to LA with my aunt and her husband. my dear friend Chelsea kindly took me under her wing. i stayed with her for three nights and we went to the Americana (soooo pretty and fun and bright and...iwanttogobackrightnow), Disneyland (my 2nd fav place on earth), and on the last day we lit fireworks. besides the drive down and the drive back home, it was a happy weekend.

i lovelovelove this castle so much. what i don't love is when darn Tinkerbell gets in the way and steals the show.

no matter how old i get, i think Disneyland will always be fun and magical to me. i mean, look at it. it's so pretty.

anyway, the day after i got back from Disneyland, my mom and i went to my number one favorite place in the world. but i think it deserves its own blog entry. so, more to come later :)

don't throw your trash in my backyard,

my backyard's full (of beautiful things!). this summer, i have wandered around my backyard a lot to take pictures. i know there are only so many new things i can find out there, but it is still fun, especially when the lighting is pretty and the weather is perfect. i love hanging out with Molly, laying out on the trampoline, and hearing my mom's plans to throw a summer wellness party. i would really love to live in a town where i could walk down the street to the grocery store or to my favorite coffee shop, but for now i'll be content in this small earthy house in the middle of a busy, bland, suburban town.

it has taken me ages to finish fixing up the wedding pictures, especially with my vacation next week. i am finally done and i feel so restless! ahhhhh! i have done an awful lot of sighing, flailing, and spinning in circles today. it is a great thing i dropped my summer classes or i would be miserable.

anyway. i can't wait to finally share the pictures of the wedding and also Spokane and Portland eventually. my love for taking pictures has fluctuated several times this summer as i have had so much anxiety. but as of now, i am feeling good. :)

happy new year!

i have written a few resolutions having to do with honesty and taking chances and health and loving more. pretty much the same ones i try to keep in mind every year, but we'll see where they take me this time.

tonight was fun! sara and i spent the evening taking funny pictures, jumping on the trampoline, drinking cider of course, and watching 17 again. that movie has a dang good soundtrack, btw.

i should get some sleep now, but in six hours i will be waking up and flying to see my long lost steph in colorado springs! soooo exciting! i love it there and it'll be snowy, which is awesome to an outsider like me. if my online winter classes don't steal my soul, i might post pictures and get this blog going...

well, happy new year to my hundreds of thousands of followers :)

carefree

I have been in Colorado for about a week and a half, and I love it here. to be honest, I didn't know I would be so excited about the mountains, but they surprised me. this is a beautiful place. the snow covered mountain tops and the blue skies are more than I can take. it is quite different being 6,000 feet above sea level, rather than 6 feet. all I can think about are all of the other places I'm going to travel to. once I'm wealthy, or once I make connections :)

you wouldn't believe the street names that I've stumbled upon in this town. carefree, radiant, lovely, nonchalant, windflower, sleepytime, inspiration, whimsical, artistic, picturesque, hopeful, portrait, enchanted, raindrop, fascination... just to name a few. is this important? I'm not sure. probably not. but I really like them.

whenever we go for car rides, I just look out of the window and stare at the houses. you know I have a thing about houses. they are all unique and nice to look at. every once in a while, we'll pass a yard sale. the yard sales are crazy here. I imagine that these people are selling lamps, mirrors, books... cute ones that would be perfect for my wing next semester. but I can't really see everything from the car. we haven't stopped at any sales yet, and that's probably a good thing. it's likely that I could get carried away.

I don't know how to explain everything that we have done here so far. umm... on the second night of my visit we went to The Mill. I liked it a lot. we went to the zoo on Father's Day. and to the Celestial Seasonings factory the day before. that was pretty awesome. this afternoon, i went on a hike with Steph and David. it wasn't a real hike because I am weak and have a hard time climbing up hills. lame. I should work on that. well, it was bright outside but it looked stormy in the distance. we should have brought jackets, but we weren't thinking too much. suddenly it began raining and then hailing. we ran back to the parking lot with a hundred boy scouts who were touring the Garden of the Gods too. what a day!

Steph and I have been baking a lot of things these days. like heart-shaped blueberry and blackberry scones. and chocolate chip banana muffins. the muffins were for the Rent Party that was tonight. it is a monthly "community event to help pay the rent of a particular individual." this month's Rent Party was banana-themed because the particular individual had lost his job over a banana. only a few people came so no one played any music. instead, we played a Joel Osteen board game that was supposed to help us live at our fullest potentials. in this game, we had to recite positive statements using our wonder word cards and create uplifting acrostics.

tomorrow I plan on conquering some homework. my goal is to finish my homework and my final papers before Gennean and I embark on our road trip to Southern California. looks like I won't be resting until around August. I'll be coming home to California on Thursday night. until then... I think my week will consist of coffee, a historical tour, and a tea party. probably more :) maybe I'll start blogging more often.

in bloom

here is the latest addition to my family of things that I love but don't really need:



I found this in Vacaville at an unbelievable antique store that is likely to become my favorite new place. if only I could afford to buy things there... fortunately, this was surprisingly cheap and the nice man who owned the store gave me a sweet discount. it works too! after I bought it, Amy and I traveled to Davis and took tons of lovely pictures. I am pleased :)

stars

les soleils couchants
revêtent les champs
les canaux, la ville entière
d'hyacinthe et d'or
le monde s'endort
dans une chaude lumière
là, tout n'est qu'ordre et beauté
luxe, calme et volupté

when i got home, i was alone
i fell in love with that feeling
when i got home, i was alone
and i counted stars on the ceiling

there are no bad words for the coast today

last night at the bible study that i go to, we talked about specific times when we have felt loved by God. we were not using the cheesy "God's love" phrase that is thrown around like nobody's business. really, a time where we actually felt completely loved by him. well... i couldn't think of a time. yes i know God loves me. but i have been waiting for this spectacular divine feeling. i have settled for just understanding that he loves me but not really taking it as seriously as i should. wow, God loves me. but do i believe it? yeah, i believe it. do i trust him though? have i even opened my eyes enough to experience his love in the way that i should? i am clearly missing the big picture that God loves people in many different ways. a simple sunset can make my day. that's God showing love. a conversation with a friend can make all of the difference and i have God to thank for his oh so convenient timing.

sometimes there is a void in my heart that i try to fill with all sorts of things. and when all of the distractions or temporary comforts are moved aside, i suddenly see the one who has been there all along. the one who created me. the one who loves me so much that he died for me. the one who, although i forget sometimes, wants to make something beautiful out of any mess that i surrender to him. nothing can compare to that.

the key for winding up my heart

i've been having such a blessed day. first, i went to biology and loved it. i didn't know that i would find it so interesting. i ate lunch with The Monday Night Band in my room and drew out my family tree, making it color coded and everything. and after that, i went to marriage and family only to find that my teacher would let us leave after five minutes of being there. my dad called and left me the nicest message and took the time to talk to me on the phone. at starbucks, i enjoyed a black tea lemonade and later on, a cinnamon dolce chai which was a near wonderful experience. it's just been such a good, good day :) one that i have needed.

after dinner, i went to abby's small group and met teddi pette, who will be hanging out with us. it was great! next, alissa and ryan took a bunch of us to the surprise place, bloom coffee and tea, which is where i plan to spend plenty of time in the near future.

i am thankful for everything tonight

for you the sun will be shining

and a happy new year to all that is living

i'm so perfectly content with my new years resolutions because for the first time, i did not write down a list of goals. instead i wrote promises. things that i want to do, that are so attainable if i just learn how to love and trust and hope a little bit more.